Heart Braker

Mon, Jun 29, 2009 Urban,
The Straits Times
Heart braker by Imran Jalal

You have fallen in love and now the Big Day looms. Swoon, your dream wedding. Except that your partner is exhibiting classic signs of cold feet. He is not at all interested in matrimonial activities such as wedding-dinner planning, where to go on your honeymoon and house hunting. A talk about starting a family sees him changing the subject to something completely unrelated, like how many elephants there are left in the world. These are what Ang Thiam Hong, 55, a psychotherapist and marriage counsellor at five-year-old private practice Edora Counselling Services describes as symptoms of 'commitment anxiety'. Most people about to get hitched would admit to some pre-nuptial jitters, but those with commitment anxiety can take this to extremes. Technical officer Mohammad Sufyan, 34, for instance, has broken off three engagements, although he attributes these failed unions to bad luck rather than commitment phobia. He spoke freely and frankly about how he yearned, then spurned, in an intriguing insight into the maverick male mind. The celebrity world, too, has plenty of such examples: Take singer John Mayer, who broke up with actress Jessica Simpson 12 times in nine months. It is, however, not just the guys who get nervy about nuptials - fickle females freak out as well.

WOMEN GET THE JITTERS TOO
There is Runaway Bride star Julia Roberts - in real life, she ditched actor Kiefer Sutherland three days before they were to be wed. Indeed, Ang says: 'I have seen clients (both male and female) become anxious shortly after a marriage proposal is made or the date of their Registry of Marriage or customary marriage is finalised.' While some are indeed serial heartbreakers who date and dump, there are also those who are genuinely attracted to someone but who cannot handle the 'till death do us part' bit. Daniel Koh, 37, a psychologist from Insights Mind Centre, a private practice that offers counselling and therapy services, explains that the Casanova gets his main thrill out of the seduction process. 'It involves manipulation or deception and can be addictive as it is intermittent, which adds to the thrill,' he says. Commitment phobes, on the other hand, crave what they fear the most: love and connection. However, this craving is often curtailed by past failed relationships or marriages, fear of boredom and even self-esteem issues, Koh says. As well as talking to psychologists about commitment phobia, Urban also spoke to The New Paper's relationship columnist, Dr Date, whose real name is David Tian. Tian, 32, who has a doctorate in Asian cultures, was reported to have snagged 30 women in two months. The lecturer, who is divorced and now in a long-term relationship, shares his perspective: 'Thinking about relationships in terms of commitment is precisely the wrong way of going about it.' He adds: 'If you truly enjoy being with another person, you don't have to worry about 'commitment'. 'You won't want to leave that person regardless of any kind of contract.' There is hope, though, for those reluctant to be at one with The One. Commitment phobes can have a long-term relationship if they learn to analyse their fears, says Ang. Then they can get into a situation where they are 'able to make a more well-informed decision they can comfortably live with', he says. Just take George Clooney. He may have broken the hearts of beautiful women from Paris to Los Angeles, but the Hollywood smoothie did manage to overlook mere looks to maintain a relationship for 18 years - with a hairy, snuffling pig. This article was first published in

Urban, The Straits Times.